I am not really sure where to start today. I have so much to say so I will just start somewhere like I did last time and see where it goes. I will not go into specific detail of what happened but I will put a trigger warning just in case 🙂
The puppy pictured above looks a lot like my puppy bear that I had at the time this story takes place. He was my only real friend.I took care of him, made him a bed, and read him stories every night. Bear was tragically ran over by my mom on accident as she was taking me to school. I have never forgotten this puppy and how he helped me get through such a trying time.
If I was to start in chronological order of abuse, besides what I already mentioned in my previous post, I can start around 5 to 6 years old. This abuse I have always remembered and never forgotten. I never said anything because the girl told me that my mom would not love me anymore and would hate me because I would be called a lesbian. This is ridiculous but to a 5 year old child this is terrifying. I was already trying so hard to not upset my mom and wanted her to love me. Because I was already preconditioned to listen to my abuser and do as I was told, I was this girl’s perfect victim. If I remember right, this girl was a good 5-6 years older than me and had no business hanging out with such a young child. I guess for whatever reason my mom thought it was normal and I had to act like I liked her and wanted to be around her all the time for fear of her telling my mom anything. This girl used me and threatened me on a daily basis. I spent the night at her house and she spent a lot of nights at my house. Does anyone else not see a red flag with this? A kindergartener and a pre-teen should not spend so much time together much less spend the night together all the time! This girl tried to encourage me to talk other girls into joining us like it was something cool that we should all be doing it. The other girls were older than me and never fell for it Thank God. This girl made me feel dirty and disgusting. I hated myself for participating in any acts with her. I felt hopeless to change anything and terrified to ask for help or tell anyone what was happening. She had me so brainwashed that no one would believe me or that they would hate me, either way I felt doomed to just deal with whatever was thrown at me.
After a year or maybe more we finally were going to move out of our neighborhood. I was so relieved that I would never have to see this girl’s face again! She kept following me around until we left and trying to be around me as much as possible. She was devastated that she was losing her “best friend”. I started to have hope again that I could start over and not have to deal with yet more abusers. I did not know at the time that once you are a victim and trained to be a victim, you will find more abusers. It is like you are a magnet and the abuser is just drawn to you. They know how to spot someone that is easily manipulated and easily silenced.
Fast forward to pretty recently. I found out one of my exes was dating a girl with the same name of the girl who had sexually abused me. I thought there was no way that this could be the same girl. I messaged him and asked some questions about this girl, where she lived at a certain time and if she knew someone with my name from that time frame. And what do you know but it was this same girl. She was excited to hear about me and even sent him a picture of her and I together as children. I was immediately horrified. I felt so sick and my heart was racing. I could not believe that in a round a bout way I had come into contact with this chick again! The guy was like why didn’t you tell me you were best friends? I assured him that we definitely were not best friends, despite all of the pictures she had of little me. I asked him not to tell her anything about me and to never mention me to her again. I told him that I would not tell specifics, but she was one of my abusers that caused my PTSD and left it at that.
After that day I started to have dreams about this girl and her father. I felt like I was being traumatized all over again. I started doing EFT therapy with the help of my step mom and on my own. Shortly after my session the dreams stopped. I think that things come back into our lives so that we can heal it and move on. I have so many examples of things coming back to me out of nowhere! But everything happens for a reason and things come up so that we can heal them and be free.
I realize that most abusers become abusers because they were abused too. This does not make their actions acceptable, but helps to give you some insight about why people are the way they are. Just because you were abused does not mean that you will become an abuser either. I have worked with many people including myself that never became abusers. I think it is all in the way we are wired. We are wired to overcome or to put someone else through the same horrors that we experienced. Either person can still get help, but I do believe that abusers should pay for what they did, but at the same time get help for what happened to them to mess them up and cause them to act irrationally.
Any illness can be healed. Any illness that we may have can be traced back to some kind of trauma that we experienced as a child. Through EFT or EMDR we can re-wire ourselves and be free of what ails us. I assist people all the time recover memories so that they can heal and move on. It is a beautiful thing! If you have any questions about anything that I have said or what I do feel free to contact me and I would be happy to answer your questions.
I am writing this blog to try to help others that have experienced sexual abuse during their life time. I specifically focus on child hood sexual abuse and traumas. I have been working with others and still working on myself. I am an intuitive that has helped many people overcome their struggles. My goal is to bring awareness to this abuse and let people know that they are not alone. In this blog I will be sharing a lot about my life because I believe it all ties together. I do not think that people realize how much child hood traumas affect our everyday lives and decisions. I certainly did not until I started to unravel all of the tangled mess that I called my life! I hope to inspire hope and the will to find your true self. You are your true self and not what happened to you. It can be a scary thing to face what haunts you, but you can do it and come out on the other side in a much better place! You are not broken, you are beautiful! I would love to hear your feedback and any questions that you may have.
“Until you cross the bridge of your insecurities, you can’t begin to explore your possibilities.”
- Tim Fargo
This will not be the most eloquent thing that you have ever read but it is real and from my perspective. I am a child abuse survivor. Through healing my traumas and personal growth work, I am finally starting to learn who the real me is at 28 years old. I have always felt like I am behind, but the truth is everything happens in perfect timing. We all make mistakes and those mistakes lead us right to where we are supposed to be. I started out on what I thought was the right path at 16 years old. I thought from that point on that I could forget what had happened in my past and just move forward. At 16, I thought that I was an adult. I had pretty much raised myself because my mother was too busy chasing her alcoholic and drug addict husband around town and trying to make sure that he was not cheating on her. If it was not for my grandparents I am not sure I would have survived my childhood. I was always sick and very skinny. They would take me on school breaks and holidays and buy my clothes, make sure I was fed, and give me a taste of the home life that I’m sure most “normal” children got to experience. At one time I got to live with them for about 6 months and go to school there. I was so happy to have a bed time and get up early without feeling exhausted. My grandparents would do my homework with me every night and we had home cooked meals. It was amazing!
As a child I endured lots of abuse, physical, mental, and sexual. I always thought that if I strived to be the perfect kid that my abuse would stop and that maybe the parents I lived with would care about me. My mom was in complete denial throughout my child hood. Even today she will say when asked about any specific time in my child hood that I was abused, she will act shocked and say she doesn’t remember and would never let anything like that happen to me. The fact is though, that she cannot hide anything from me because I am an intuitive. She knows this too and has since I was 2 years old. I wasn’t like other children. At 2 years old, I would tell her what would happen with whatever decision she was going to make. Time after time of her knowing and seeing that I was right, she would continue to make the same mistakes. I tried to help her and myself. There was no way a 2 year old child would know the things that I knew and she still went against what I said. I think that if I was sent such a gift I would take heed to what was said! My mom and dad divorced when I was 2. I do not blame my dad for leaving. As an adult I understand exactly why, but the little girl in me still has abandonment issues which I am still working on. We are very close now and I cherish that. I feel blessed that I got a chance to know someone as awesome as him. If it was not for him I know that I would not have made it this far. He really inspires me.
Fast forward til age 25. I started having crazy anxiety. It was hard for me to sleep at night and if my husband was gone I would not sleep hardly at all. I found out later that the cause of me not being able to sleep at night was because most of my abuse happened at night. I was never sure when I would be attacked so I would stay on high alert. I had two very young little girls and had just started having my step daughter more. She was 4 years old at the time. I learned later that my children turning certain ages were some of my triggers. I would not let anything like what happened to me happen to them. We tried to get custody of my step daughter because her mother was not around much and she had no problem bringing random men around her. We lost in court because the judge said that it was the mother’s decision on how she raised her daughter. I had the most massive panic attack I have ever had when I heard that we lost. I ran out of the court room because I felt like I was going to die. I cried so hard in the bathroom and could not stop my heart from racing so fast it hurt. I did not know it at the time, but not gaining primary custody of my step daughter triggered me because I was scared for her safety because of what had happened to me. I felt like I had failed her because I could not for sure protect her from anything that might or could happen. From then on I had a lot of anxiety. I have always had anxiety my whole life, but now it was much more frequent and intense. I started being afraid to go out in public or drive anywhere in a car. If there was traffic that was stopped I would start to panic because I felt trapped. I finally decided to see a doctor. They just wanted to put me on anxiety meds which I refused because I am also scared of medicine. Funny huh? Anyways I made them run tests because I thought there was something wrong with my thyroid and it turns out there was. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was devastated when the Dr. told me that I would have to be on medicine for the rest of my life. But I was also happy that I had supposedly found the cause of my extreme anxiety.
My step mom came to visit shortly after this. You will hear more about her and my dad later as they both have majorly contributed to my recovery and I will never be able to thank them enough. Anyways during this visit she offered to do some EFT therapy with me. With my extreme anxiety I was very leery of doing anything that I did not know what it was. I finally agreed to try it because I trust my step mom with my life and know that she would not offer anything that would hurt me. During my session I started to remember buried abuse. I had to get okay with the idea that I was sexually abused by someone in my family. During my child hood I was also sexually abused by others, which we will get to later. I started to realize why I always had such icky feelings about my step dad and always hated him and hated being around him besides the fact that he was such a shitty person. When I finally started to scratch the surface of the buried memories, I started crying and I started to shake violently, the shaking seemed to last forever although I’m sure it was only about 20 minutes. This was just the beginning of my healing journey. I have come a long way since that night and I continue to heal more all the time.
I want to share my story in hopes of helping others to heal and know that they are not alone. Sexual abuse is extremely common, especially among families. The abuse does not define you and does not have to affect you for the rest of your life. There are always options, you just have to be willing to go there and face the past. It cannot break you! You have literally lived through it already, now you just have to connect the wires that got fried and frayed in the process. You are not a broken person and you can heal and lead a happy life. I hope by sharing this blog with you that I can show you there is light at the end of the tunnel.
With love and blessings,